The Importance of Forgiveness

Forgiveness gets a lot of attention in spiritual circles and for good reason.  A lack of forgiveness can lead to problems as far-reaching as illness, chronic debt, multiple dysfunctional relationships, and even suicide or murder.  Forgiveness never means condoning or approving of what you did to someone, or what they did to you.  Rather, forgiveness involves giving up the quest for a different past and surrendering to the IS-ness of life.  Forgiveness helps us to play the hand we've been dealt, and move forward with confidence.

I did a lot of forgiveness work early on in my spiritual walk but hadn't revisited the topic much since then.  I do a daily meditation during which I release the minor things such as forgiving a rude comment at school or the bully who cut me off on the street.  But real forgiveness work tends to involve those deep soul-shaking events that change the course of your life, or fundamentally shape the way you see yourself and the world around you.  I did that work today.

I was moved to do it because I am exploring deeper territory in my art - going beyond pretty pictures to exploring more significant social, political, and spiritual issues.  Also, I will be graduating soon and moving on to a new phase of life.  So whenever I’m in a transition phase - going beyond the status quo and moving into something more significant - I think it’s important to clean house internally.  So, I began with my journal.

I did journaling instead of meditating because the topics I needed to explore were painful.  Writing provides some distance from your feelings and allows you to be honest so you can get it all out.  The events that shaped me are traumatic childhood experiences.  I faced absenteeism and indifference from one parent; chronic cruelty, criticism, and name-calling from the other, no one to turn to who would listen or care, and only one sibling who, even today, I have never successfully established a relationship with.

Thus far I have tended to gloss over these things, preferring to just move on and have a successful life.  That worked well for years but today I had to revisit this stuff.  I wrote out in full detail what exactly happened that hurt me.  I listed everything I could think of. It’s amazing how much emotion can be tied up in events from decades ago.  It’s amazing how vividly those events reappeared in my mind's eye.  I became short of breath as I contemplated how truly screwed up some things really were.

But after the list of negative things I received from each parent, I wrote about the Good that they gave me: my looks, intelligence, and spirituality on one side; my artistic talent, strength, and resiliency from the other.  After listing what these two people gave me, I then listed what I have done over the course of my life to maximize these gifts.  Slowly I regained my composure and my breathing returned to normal.  I realized just how much I have accomplished in my life and how faithfully I have used the gifts I have been given thus far.

Finally, I wrote about what I hope for in the future.  I wrote about all the things I still have left to experience in my life.  I listed the things I’m looking forward to doing and having, and gave thanks for each one.  I gave thanks for all the trauma because it has made me who I am.  I gave thanks for learning how to meditate because I believe it saved my life.  I released my prayers to the Universe with great gratitude for my own children who are my precious gifts, and for my friends, present and future, who will become my new extended family.

Afterwards I felt clean, happy, a little shaken, but ready.  I feel more prepared now to be a beneficial presence on the planet and to help others reach their true potential.

With love and gratitude, I appreciate every reader of this blog and wish you all the very Highest and Best for your lives.

Now go follow your bliss…

These are some rough works-in-progress from this week (except the first sculpture, which made it into the student show at El Camino College:

The Link Between Extremism and Violence

This has been an exciting week but for all the wrong reasons.  My heart goes out to the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing, the residents of Boston, the family of the bombing suspects, and to the suspects themselves.  I do have more sympathy for the victims than for the perpetrators, but being responsible for the deaths of multiple people would be a terrible karmic position to be in.  The fact that someone could be such a victim of his own limited, extreme perspective that he would completely lose sight of right and wrong is tragic.  Unfortunately, ALL extremist perspective can lead to violence.

Before we knew who was responsible for the bombing, people were speculating that it might be domestic terrorists.  Although ideologically people who commit domestic terrorism are at the opposite pole from people who commit Islamic terrorism, the mindset is almost identical.  Once we swallow the mistaken notion that we are Right and that “They” are Wrong, we can justify anything we say and do to “Them”.

All rigid views, even if they are not labeled “extremist” fit this bill.  I had a dead-end conversation this week with an atheist where I realized that this mindset was in play.  The Atheists I have interacted with tend to believe that they are Right and Superior and that all “believers” are Wrong and Stupid.  Once you swallow that, you can justify cruel, mocking disrespectful words and behavior because you feel that whatever you do is justified because you are Right.  I was unable to make any kind of real connection with this person.   Disrespectful, rude interactions are typical of not only atheistic but also fundamentalist religious people, radical political organizations, “stay-at-home moms” vs. working moms, vegans vs. meat-eaters, etc.  The mindset is the same regardless of the supposed issue.  Once someone adopts this all-in "I'm right, you're wrong and stupid" mindset, rational conversation becomes impossible; they are not speaking to you as an equal, they are condescending to inform you why you are wrong.  Conversations with such people are black holes of wasted time and energy.

In order to deal with each other and live in peace and harmony, we have to resist the urge to fall into extremes.  The urge is very strong because the world is so uncertain.  Extreme and/or rigid views provide a certain amount of comfort because they are “Certain”.   Resisting the urge to form little camps of Us and Them can take a great deal of vigilance and effort, but it can be done.  It also helps to really try to listen to people, in order to figure out why they believe what they believe, even if you strongly disagree.  It doesn't hurt your position to hear someone out.  But be careful not to waste your time trying to convince someone with an extreme view that they might not have all the answers.  Such people tend to thrive on conflict and you only succeed in going round and round in circles, getting increasingly frustrated, and wasting precious life energy on a low-level conversation.

For those of us who strive to remain open-minded and compassionate in an increasingly polarized – and violent – society, prayer and meditation really help.  These practices help us go beyond the human intellect, which is insufficient to solve the deep emotional problems facing our nation.  Prayer and meditation help us to stay grounded ourselves while we use Inner Guidance to figure out how to respond non-violently to the violence (physical and mental) around us.

For those who don’t practice meditation and prayer, or any kind of spiritual practice, you still have access to Inner Guidance, it just might be more challenging to access.  Nevertheless, you can still use the inner power you possess to be a representative for Peace and Balance on the planet.  If we all prioritize love over “rights”, compassion over vengeance, and happiness over the need to be right, we will be doing our very best.

Have a great week and go follow your bliss…

The Butch Factor: Gender Roles and Societal Baggage

A lot of my time is spent thinking about our culture's limiting beliefs.  This is because I have never really fit in anywhere. I do not conform to the stereotypes assigned to me, and I seem to see things quite differently from most other people.  So I immediately identify with groups and other individuals who are alienated in some way from society.

I have been fascinated with the gay community for several years now.  I think it’s because they are the only group that has been reviled and persecuted almost as much as the African American community.  Moreover, they are a community that has internal struggles as well as struggles with the larger society.

The Butch Factor is an older movie (2009) that I had never heard of before but discovered on Hulu.  It discusses at length the issue of masculinity within the gay community and some of the conflicts that come about as a result of  conflicting definitions of manhood.

Our society defines masculinity in fairly limited terms.  Men, “real men”, are physically and emotionally strong, they do not show emotion, they provide financially for their families, they always know what to do, they are leaders, they fix things, they play sports, they drink beer and eat red meat, they do not know how to dress well, and they are hairy, loud, and crude.

Our society also defines homosexuality in fairly limited - and often demeaning - terms.  Gay men, “real gay men”, are fashionable, effeminate, emotional, physically weak, uncoordinated, they drink wine and “girly” drinks, they cry at movies, and listen to artists such as Cher, Bette Midler, Madonna, and Lady Gaga.  In other words, our society defines gay men as “anti-men.”

So what do you do as a gay man when you like to sleep with men, which is “gay”, but you also enjoy activities that are associated with “real men”.  Does that mean that you’re not really gay?  Does it mean you should give up the activities and hobbies you enjoy so that you can fit in with other gay men?

The Butch Factor explores these issues by interviewing several gay men who do not fit the stereotype of their homosexuality.  The men in the movie are football, rugby, and baseball players; they are policemen, construction workers, truck drivers, and rodeo cowboys.  All hid their homosexuality at first because it was an option for them.  No one knew they were gay and indeed they themselves felt awkward around other gay men because they did not enjoy stereotypically “gay” activities.  They still wanted to play sports, eat barbecue,  and work on the house; but they also wanted to have sex with other men.

So eventually they all found groups that accepted them as they are.  There are gay football and rugby leagues, gay rodeos, and even a group called The Bears, which holds retreats in the woods.  The Bears are a group of big boned, hairy, muscular men who love to eat and drink beer and have no fashion sense.  Their appearance is “hetero/normal” but they are out and proud.

The movie also did a good job of balancing the portrayal of the “butch” gay men with depictions of stereotypical gay men.  The movie basically honored these men as examples of “real men” because they are on the front lines of the gay community.  They are brave.  These men could not hide behind stereotypical male behaviors.  They could not hide in the closet like cowards, because they had no choice.  These men all faced violence and even death threats in school, rejection and outrage by their communities, and most were suicidal at some point.

The point of the movie is that all gender stereotypes are limiting and ultimately inaccurate for many many people.  Embracing who you are, regardless of public perception is scary and wonderful and brave.  Anyone who is fearless enough to be themselves in the face of the often loud-mouthed, puritanical, ignorant, racist and close-minded forces in our society deserves –and has – my utmost respect.

May they serve as an example to us all.  Be truly authentic this week.  And go follow your bliss…

Are You An Original Or Just A Good Copy?

“When people say ‘I want to be like you’, I tell them if you want to be like me, then be yourself.”

--Marilyn Manson

In painting class we had a critique.  Critiques usually aren't that interesting to me in and of themselves.  I love looking at art – any art – but watching it be picked apart is usually pretty uninspiring.  However, this time the professor went a little off topic and started talking about the concept of being original.  He said in order to really make an impact with your art you have to learn how to be an original.  Being able to reproduce famous works is nice practice for building skills, but coming up with your own unique signature is what art is really about.  He went on to discuss many great artists from the past and contrasted them with all the millions of people out there who paint.  He even confessed that he, too, continues to work on being an Original.

So, I started thinking: we are all originals from birth, so why is it so hard to “be original”?  I also started thinking about how sick I am of being in school and why.  I realized that these two thoughts are related.  School really isn't equipped to teach people how to be original.  In fact, no one needs to be taught how to be an original.  We are born originals but we learn to slowly kill off our own uniqueness in exchange for love and acceptance.  So, if our goal as artists is to reclaim our originality, I think the following steps might help:

1)      If you want to be original as an artist, you have to be original in every other area of life as well.  You really can’t do as you’re told, be afraid to be the first one to do something, and follow all of society’s arbitrary social rules in all the rest of your life and then expect to be original when it comes to your art.  The greatest artists were considered eccentric at best because they did what was in their hearts to do.  Their relationships were abnormal, their lifestyles were abnormal, and their work was abnormally great.

2)      You have to be willing to be misunderstood and even disliked.  This is the one that sinks most people.  We all crave love and acceptance but society (and even our families) often withhold these gifts to the extent that we resist being socialized.  So out of the fear of loneliness and rejection we go along with things we don’t believe in.  We don’t want to be ostracized.  But, again, some of the best artists had few friends, spent long stretches of time alone, and had difficulty maintaining relationships.  This isn't to say that you have to purposely be a loner.  You just have to be willing to go that route when your principles are at stake.

3)      You have to be mature enough emotionally to withstand periodic bouts of depression and self-doubt with poise and equanimity. Being an artist is an emotional roller coaster.  Because we feel things so deeply and put ourselves out there so much, we are bound to have more emotional peaks and valleys than the average person.  And face more rejection.  These feelings pass if we allow them to.  But what has sunk even some of the best artists is the tendency to run away from these feelings by self-medicating.  Drinking, drugs, violence, indiscriminate sex – overindulging in these can cut your life as an artist short, physically and creatively. Emotional pain creates the best fertile ground for artistic genius.  We shouldn't self-medicate it away.  We should explore it to its depths on our canvases, in our music, in our acting – whatever.  Once we do that the pain will subside and we won’t need to bother with rehab.

I hope this topic really causes us to think.  We are all constantly learning how to share our uniqueness and  gifts with the world without letting the world destroy us.  We can do it if we embrace the originality we were born with and stand our ground.

Have a great week.  And go follow your bliss!

Check out the latest show at El CaminoCollege’s art gallery.  The artists are Jamie Sweetman, Fred Rose, and Meeson Pae Yang.

Following are some of my current projects.